Once Upon A Mattress: Spirited Away Style!
by Rabid Chibi Squirrels Inc
Summary: We don't own it! Prince Haku has an opening for a princess, but can Princess Chihiro pass Queen Yubaba's test? Can Lady Kitsune and Sir Kaonashi EVER get married! ChiHak KaoOC
1. Act 1 Scene 1

**Kitsune: Yes, it's another play thing! I'll actually finish this one, though. I have the script! (holds up the script)**

**Jeremy: Can I get a role?**

**Kitsune: Sure, why not? We need more people . . . This is just for the Spirited Away people, and us, of course. Please review!**

**Jeremy: She doesn't own anything! Nothing! Please don't sue us, it's her fault!!!**

**Kitsune: Jerk! Warning: Characters are VERY OOC!**

**Once Upon A Mattress**

_Cast_

_Princess Winnifred . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Chihiro_

_Prince Dauntless . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Haku_

_Queen Aggravain . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Yubaba_

_King Sextimus . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Moron_

_Minstrel . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Jeremy_

_Wizard . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . the Foreman_

_Jester . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Kamaji_

_Sir Harry . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Kaonashi_

_Lady Larkin . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Kitsune_

_Lady Rowena . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Natalie_

_Lady Merrill . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Erika_

_Lady Lucille . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Lin_

_Lady H . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Yuna #1_

_Lady R . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Yuna #2_

_Luce's Lady . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Yuna #3_

_Mabelle . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Yuna #4_

_Beatrice . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Yuko_

_Harold . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Akio_

_Sir Studley . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Jack_

_Luce . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . David_

_Princess . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Yuna #5_

_Lady #1 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Yuna #6_

_Lady #2 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Yuna #7_

_Lady #3 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Yuna #8_

_Knight #1 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Frog #3_

_Knight #2 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Frog #4_

_Knight #3 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Frog #5_

**Act One**

**Music #1: Overture**

**Music #2: Prologue -- Many Moons Ago**

_(Cue MINSTREL. He is young and attractive. He begins to sing, strumming his lute. The MINSTREL's story, told in song, is enacted in ballet pantomime.)_

MINSTREL/JEREMY: Cool! I'm a minstrel!

LARKEN/KITSUNE: _(offstage)_ Idiot, sing!

JEREMY: Oh, right!

_(verse)_

MANY MOONS AGO, IN A FAR-OFF PLACE

LIVED A HANDSOME PRINCE WITH A GLOOMY FACE,

FOR HE DID NOT HAVE A BRIDE.

OH, HE SIGHED ALAS!

AND HE PINED, ALAS,

BUT ALAS, THE PRINCE COULDN'T FIND A LASS

WHO WOULD SUIT HIS MOTHER'S PRIDE.

That's way too many 'lass'es.

KITSUNE: Keep singing!

JEREMY: I am, don't rush me! Ahem!

_(Chorus 1)_

FOR A PRINCESS IS A DELICATE THING,

DELICATE AND DAINTY AS A DRAGONFLY'S WING.

YOU CAN RECOGNIZE A LADY BY HER ELEGANT AIR,

BUT A GENUINE PRINCESS IS EXCEEDINGLY RARE!

_(Verse 2)_

ON A STORMY NIGHT TO THE CASTLE DOOR,

CAME THE LASS THE PRINCE HAD BEEN WAITING FOR.

"I'M A PRINCESS LOST," QUOTH SHE.

Quoth? That's an odd word. (shrug)

BUT THE QUEEN WAS COOL AND REMAINED ALOOF

AND SHE SAID, "PERHAPS, BUT WE'LL NEED SOME PROOF.

I'LL PREPARE A TEST AND SEE.

_(Chorus 2 — spoken in meter)_

"I WILL TEST HER THUS," THE OLD QUEEN SAID,

"I'LL PUT TWENTY DOWNY MATTRESSES UPON HER BED,

AND BENEATHE THOSE TWENTY MATTRESSES I'LL PLACE ONE TINY PEA.

IF THAT PEA DISTURBS HER SLUMBER, THEN A TRUE PRINCESS IS SHE."

That doesn't seem like a very fair trial, don't you think?

KITSUNE: _(on the brink of strangling JEREMY) _Jeremy, please just keep singing . . .

JEREMY: Okey-dokey!

_(Verse 3)_

NOW, THE BED WAS SOFT, AND EXTREMELY TALL,

BUT THE DAINTY LASS DIDN'T SLEEP AT ALL,

AND SHE TOLD THEM SO NEXT DAY.

Honestly . . . she could feel that tiny thing?

SAID THE QUEEN, "MY DEAR, IF YOU FELT THAT PEA,

THEN WE'VE PROOF ENOUGH OF YOUR ROYALTY.

LET THE WEDDING MUSIC PLAY."

_(Spoken)_

AND THE PEOPLE SHOUTED QUIETLY,

ALL _(Sing pianissimo)_:

"HOORAY!"

JEREMY: _(stares)_ That seriously sounded really gay, guys.

ALL: CONTINUE WITH THE SONG!

JEREMY: OKAY!

_(Lights fade to blackout. Black drop in)_

FOR A PRINCESS IS A DELICATE THING,

DELICATE AND DAINTY AS A DRAGONFLY'S WING.

YOU CAN RECOGNIZE A LADY BY HER ELEGANT AIR,

BUT A GENUINE PRINCESS . . .

_(dramatic pause)_

IS EXCEEDINGLY RARE!

_(turns to go) _Okay, I'm done, now.

KITSUNE: No, you have lines, baka!

JEREMY: Fine, you don't have to get all technical-yelly-Japanese-y on me! Cripes!

_(turns to look forward)_

_(spoken)_ There are many versions of this story; I sing them all. This is the prettiest, but it's not quite accurate. I happen to know the true story of "The Princess and the Pea" for the very good reason that I was there. It was a small kingdom ruled over by a talkative queen and a mute king—Haha, Moron, you're a mute and married to Yubaba!

KING SEXTIMUS/MORON: _(gives JEREMY the finger)_

JEREMY: Anywho—The Princess in the _true_ story was not the only girl put to the test. Actually, she was one of 13 girls — girls who came to the castle hoping to wed the Prince, but who, for one reason or another, were found to be unsuitable. _(Lights come up full on stage and the picture has changed)_

**Scene 1**

_(Scene: Dominating the scene is a dais on which sit QUEEN AGGRAVAIN (YUBABA) and KING SEXTIMUS (MORON). Seated at his mother's feet is PRINCE DAUNTLESS (HAKU). Not far from the dais, on a platform, stands "PRINCESS No. 12" (YUNA #5) dressed in standard princess attire including a small crown. Beside her is the WIZARD (FOREMAN), YUBABA'S confidante who, at the moment, is functioning as a sort of medival master of ceremonies. KNIGHTS (FROGS) and LADIES (YUNA) form an attentive audience for what appears to be a formal interrogation. Prominent among them is a particularly beautiful girl, the LADY LARKEN (KITSUNE), who seems inordinately interested in the proceedings)_

JEREMY: Alright, who put this, here? _(pointing to script)_ A particularly beautiful girl? Kitsune, did you change the script?

KITSUNE: No, that's how it is.

SIR HARRY/KAONASHI: _(angry) (from offstage) _Are you suggesting my mate isn't beautiful? _(angry snarl)_

JEREMY: No, no! She is quite, er, lovely . . . heh. _(cheesy grin)_

KITSUNE: Only Jeremy can pull off a cheesy grin like that. _(sigh)_ Continue.

JEREMY: As a matter of fact, the day I arrived at court, they were testing Princess Number 12. A curious quiz was in progress._ (he steps back into the audience beside LADY MERRILL (ERIKA) and LADY ROWENA (NATALIE).)_

WIZARD/FOREMAN: Are you ready for the next question? _(He reads from a sheet of parchment. There is a hint of the modern tv quizmaster in his manner)_

PRINCESS #12/YUNA #5: I guess so.

FOREMAN: The next question concerns famous rulers. Are you quite ready?

YUNA #5: Uh-huh.

FOREMAN: Well, then: name three kings. Is that clear?

YUNA #5: Yes. _(Thinks a moment)_ Would you repeat the question please?

FOREMAN: Certainly. Name three kings.

YUNA #5: May I take the third king first?

FOREMAN: Absolutely.

YUNA #5: Well, then. Three kings are . . . _(she thinks)_

JEREMY: _(to NATALIE)_ Is this a trial?

LADY ROWENA/NATALIE: How should I know?

JEREMY: _(major sweatdrop)_ Because you've been here to see this before, and we're hoping you read the script?

NATALIE: The wha—oh yeah, that. Oops. Uh, no, this isn't a trial. It's the royalty test to find out if she's a true princess. There ya go!

YUNA #5: _(continuing)_ King John, King Arthur, and . . . _(She thinks some more)_

JEREMY: Does it matter if she's a true princess?

LADY MERRILL/ERIKA: Oh yes. If she's a true princess, we can all get married.

YUNA #5: King Ethelred.

FOREMAN: That is absolutely correct! _(FROGS and YUNA applaud)_

DAUNTLESS/HAKU: _(In great excitement to YUBABA as the applause dies)_ She's smart, Mama. She's the best one yet. Can I marry her now, huh? Can I, Mama? _(aside, with disgust)_ I can't believe this . . .

THE QUEEN/YUBABA: No, sweetheart. _(Saccharine)_ There's still one more question. _(Snaps fingers)_

LADY LUCILLE/LIN: _(Sotto voice)_ This test isn't going to be fair.

ERIKA: It's the law that isn't fair.

JEREMY: Law?

LIN: The Marriage Law:

'Throughout the land, no one may wed

Till Dauntless to the altar's led.'

_(YUBABA has picked out one of the questions. She gives it to the FOREMAN who returns to YUNA #5.)_

JEREMY: Dauntless?

NATALIE: Haku, remember?

JEREMY: _(sigh)_ Why are you even a part of Rabid Chibi Squirrels Inc?

NATALIE: Because I'm just so cute!

ERIKA: No, because you're my sister, and I'M the smart one! _(tosses a script at NATALIE)_ If you're gonna be in the play, read the damn script!

NATALIE: _(the script hits the back of her head)_ Ow! Oh, hey, look, a script!

ALL: _(groan)_

NATALIE: Oh, ahem! The Prince. Until he gets married, none of us can.

JEREMY: That sucks.

FOREMAN: You have now reached the SEVENTH PLATEAU, _(points up. in a mutter) —_That's very high.— _(regular voice)_ and here is your question. It is divided into four parts and concerns a man often referred to as the Knight of the Red Cross. _(he stops, glares at the other people around him)_

ALL: Ooooh. Ahhhh.

FOREMAN: Yeah, I thought so. _(continues)_ 1. What was his name? 3. What beast did he slay? 20. How many rows of teeth did the beast have AND what kind? And 4 . . .

YUBABA: _(turns to camera)_ Joy, I get the idiot wizard who can't count to 4. _(rolls eyes)_

FOREMAN: _(really fast)_ Whatwasthemiddlenameofthedaughterinlawofthebestfriendoftheblacksmithwhoforgedtheswordthatkilledthebeast? _(by the end of this, his voice is a squeak)_ _(FROGS, YUNA, and other people sigh and look at each other hopelessly)_

YUNA #5: _(taking a deep breath)_ 1. St. George, 2. the dragon, 3. twelve rows of teeth and they were iron! And 4. would you repeat the last question please?

FOREMAN: No.

YUNA #5: You jerk!

FOREMAN: All right, fine! _(he enunciates)_ What. Was the middle naaaaaaaaaame. Of the daughter-in-law. Of the best friend of the blacksmith. Who forged the sword that killed. The. Beast?

YUNA #5: The middle name?

FOREMAN: The middle name.

YUNA #5: The daughter-in-law?

FOREMAN: In-law. _(he inverts a small hour glass)_ You have thirty seconds!

KITSUNE: Oh, pass. Please, please, pass.

JEREMY: _(sarcastically, to piss KITSUNE off) _Do you speak, my lady?

KITSUNE: _(flustered)_ No—I . . . _(She turns to look at Yuna #5 again)_

FOREMAN: Forty seconds!

YUBABA: Learn how to count, idiot!

YUNA #5: Oh . . .

JEREMY: I wish her success. She's a pretty little thing. _(he refers to YUNA #5, but his eyes remain on KITSUNE)_

FOREMAN: TEN SECONDS!

YUNA #5: Ohhh . . .

FOREMAN: _9he begins to count down in a mutter, but we can still hear him) _10, 9, 7, I can't count, 4, 3, 2 . . . I am terribly sorry!

YUNA #5: OHHHHHHHHHHHHH . . .

FOREMAN: Your time is up.

YUBABA: Too bad, my dear, too bad. You do show a certain aptitude, but as for the true brilliance of royalty . . . well, I'm afraid not. Remember, blood will tell, and yours didn't tell us quite enough. _(STUDLEY JACK gives a large dead bird to YUBABA, who gives it to YUNA #5 and continues . . .)_ However, to show that there are no hard feelings, here is a nice consolation prize for you. Goodbye; good luck; and get out! _(YUNA #5 goes OFF RIGHT, weeping)_ Sweetheart . . . Dauntless! Stop pouting. _(JACK gooses a YUNA — she screams) (YUBABA pulls at HAKU, who gets to his feet)_ Now, don't dilly-dally, Dauntless! It's nearly time for your cocoa! _(To KITSUNE) _What's that mean?

KITSUNE: _(Shrug)_

YUBABA: _(Shrug. She exits in a flourish, accompanied by MORON and the FOREMAN)_

**Music #3: Opening For A Princess**

HAKU:

OH . . . ! I LIKED HER!

KITSUNE: SO DID I!

HAKU:

WHY MUST EVERY PRINCESS GET THE BIRD?

ERIKA:

IT'S JUST ABSURD!

NATALIE:

I NEVER HEARD

A TEST SO DIFFICULT TO PASS!

HAKU:

ALAS! A LASS IS WHAT I LACK.

I LACK A LASS; ALAS! ALACK!

Jeremy was right. That is too many 'lass'es.

MEN: THROUGHOUT THE LAND NO ONE MAY WED

LADIES: OH . . .

MEN: 'TIL HAKU SHARES HIS MARRIAGE BED.

LADIES: THE LONELY SPINSTER'S LIFE

GO . . .

AND GET THE PRINCE A ROYAL WIFE!

ALL:WE HAVE AN OPENING FOR A PRINCESS,

FOR A GENUINE CERTIFIED PRINCESS.

LADIES: TELL US WHEN YOU INTEND TO END THIS DILEMMA

WE'RE IN —

MEN: NONE OF THE LADIES GIVE A FIG FOR LIVIN' IN SIN!

ALL: WE HAVE AN OPENING FOR A PRINCESS,

FOR A BEAUTIFUL, BONAFIDE PRINCESS.

LADIES: WHERE'S THE DUTIFUL KNIGHT WHO'LL RIGHT ALL

THE WRONG WE'VE BEEN DONE?

MEN: NONE OF THE LADIES ARE HAVING ANY FUN.

LADIES: WHAT TO DO?

MEN: WHAT TO DO?

LADIES: WHAT TO DO?

MEN: WHAT TO DO?

LADIES: PITY THE LADIES-IN-WAITING;

MEN: PITY THE GENTLEMEN TOO!

LADIES: FOUR!

MEN: SIX!

ALL: EIGHT, TEN, ELEVEN, TWELVE CONTENDERS IN A

ROW.

MEN: THEY CAME; THEY WERE TESTED;

LADIES: THEN SWIFTLY REQUESTED TO GO . . .

MEN: BLOW THE TRUMPET! SOUND THE FIFE!

LADIES: . . . FOR A PRINCESS

FOR A GENUINE, CERTIFIED PRINCESS.

MEN: GO AND GET THE PRINCE A ROYAL WIFE!

LADIES: TELL US WHEN YOU INTEND TO SEND US A GIRL WHO

CAN PASS!

MEN:NONE OF THE LADIES ARE HAVING ANY —

ALL:NO ONE IS GETTING ANY —

NO ONE IS GETTING ANY — YOUNGER.

AND IT'S BEEN GOD KNOWS HOW LONG SINCE!

WE HAVE AN OPENING FOR A PRINCESS

WHO'S GOOD ENOUGH, NICE ENOUGH, SWEET

ENOUGH, SMART ENOUGH, RICH ENOUGH

FOR OUR POOR PRINCE!

_(After the song, the FROGS and YUNA disperse with ad libs. "It just seems hopeless." "Twelve tests." "Twelve failures." "Haku will never get married." "I've just given up hope," etc. KITSUNE strolls to LEFT where she stands talking to a FROG. Other FROGS and YUNA are in small groups talking quietly. JEREMY enters DOWN LEFT and crosses to CENTER. The FOREMAN enters DOWN RIGHT and goes quickly to him)_

FOREMAN: Minstrel! You are just arrived!

JEREMY: Yup! _(grin)_ Yes, I am, Sir Wizard.

FOREMAN: Splendid, splendid! _(He takes out a piece of parchment)_ Watch closely. I take this pefectly plain piece of parchment—

KITSUNE: _(shudders)_ Alliterations . . .

FOREMAN: _(glares at her and continues)_ I take this perfectly plane parchment . . . piece a . . .CRAP! Look what you made me do! I messed up!

KITSUNE: _(turns and glares back at him)_ Don't yell at me just because you screwed up _your_ part and because I have issues concerning alliterations! _(turns back around)_ Just do it over!

FOREMAN: _(sighes and holds up the piece of parchment)_ Watch closely. I take this perfectly plain piece of parchment with no cuts, folds, creases or concealed pockets . . . _(JESTER/KAMAJI has entered from DOWN RIGHT. His jester's stick is actually his hammer with bells attatched to it and the pole has been enlongated. He shakes the bells on his "jester's stick" in the FOREMAN's face)_ Well, what is it?

JESTER/KAMAJI: Excuse me, Cardamon, but—

FOREMAN: What?

KAMAJI: Car-da-mon. It's your name.

FOREMAN: Oh, right.

KAMAJI: Excuse me, Cardamon, but I have to take the Minstrel to sign in with the Castle Steward.

KNIGHT #1/FROG #3: This way, please!

JEREMY: I'm on my way to Normandy. I won't be staying long. _(thinks)_ Why would I be going to Normandy? Isn't that BAD? _(shrugs. JEREMY and FROG #3 exit DOWN RIGHT)_

FOREMAN: _(to KAMAJI)_ For your father's sake, I put up a good deal from you. Don't address me as Cardamon in Court. Just because your father and I were in show business together, don't presume. _(FOREMAN and KAMAJI exit DOWN RIGHT. SIR HARRY/KAONASHI enters UP RIGHT. He is handsome and manly, but a bit of a stuffed shirt.)_

SIR HARRY/KAONASHI: My shirt isn't stuffed . . . _(pulls back his collar and looks down his shirt.)_ There's nothing there.

KNIGHT #2/FROG #4: Ho! Sir Harry—Hey, wait . . . aren't you NoFace's other form?

KAONASHI: Yeah?

FROG #4: RUN! IT'S NOFACE! _(FROGS and YUNA scream and run away; in case you're wondering, that means KAONASHI and KITSUNE are alone on the stage)_

KAONASHI: _(sigh)_ Am I ever going to be forgiven? I said I was sorry . . . That's depressing.

KITSUNE: _(watching confusedly as the other people run away)_ Huh? _(turns around)_ Oh! Ahem . . . My darling, you missed the test.

KAONASHI: Test? What test? Was it the one you took to get into college?

KITSUNE: I'm . . . not IN college, sweetheart. I'm still in high school.

KAONASHI: Oh. Uh, then . . . _(suddenly remembers)_ Sweet Larken . . . _(whine) _Can't I just call you Kitsune? I don't like the name Larken!

KITSUNE: Sorry, Kao, it's in the script . . .

KAONASHI: But everyone else calls Haku "Haku" instead of "Dauntless"! It's not fair! That's like discrimination, and I'm already discriminated again! _(sighes and puts his head in his hands)_ Nobody loves me . . .

KITSUNE: _(deep sigh)_ _**I**_ love you. But we have to get on with the play. I think the readers are falling asleep . . .

KAONASHI: Okay. _(stands up straight)_ Sweet Larken, my new responsibilities as Chivalric Knight of the Herald keep me busy. _(eyes bulge) _GAWDS, that's a mouthfull!

KITSUNE: The latest princess was a failure.

KAONASHI: No!

KITSUNE: Yes.

KAONASHI: Too bad! . . . I mean, bad luck! But don't despair for we have plenty of time. If a true princess is not found in the next few months I will go out and find one myself . . . or I don't deserve to wear my spurs. _(looks at his feet)_ And yet, I'm not _wearing_ spurs . . . Does that mean I'm not worthy?

KITSUNE: Darling.

KAONASHI: My love?

KITSUNE: Do you remember the Royal Joust on Whitsunday, when you won those spurs?

KAONASHI: Uh, remind me when "Whitsunday" is, again . . .

KITSUNE: I don't know . . . But, anywho . . .

KAONASHI: Alright. Of course.

KITSUNE: When you were called Sir Harry, the Fairest and Bravest Knight in all the Land, and everyone agreed that you had a brilliant future ahead of you; that you might someday become Lord Chamberlain, or even Prince Minister?

KAONASHI: "Prince" Minister?

KITSUNE: I mean Prime Minister! Same thing!

KAONASHI: _(sly look) _Well, I don't know about "Prince Minister".

KITSUNE: _(hits him)_ Jerk!

KAONASHI: Ouch . . . _(rubs his sore arm)_

KITSUNE: Do you remember the picnic we all had later on the greensward—whatever _that_ is—with the lovely cold pheasant?

KAONASHI: No . . . I mean, yes!

KITSUNE: And you and I wandered away from the others to climb the hill and watch the sun go down?

KAONASHI: I told you, no . . . .I MEAN YES! I DO! Kami, remembering lines is difficult!

KITSUNE: Then go get a script.

KAONASHI: Somebody get me a script, please!

ERIKA: _(offstage) _HERE! _9tosses a script and hits KAONASHI in the back of the head with it) _SORRY!

KAONASHI: _(picks up the script, rubs his head, and glances grudgedly back at ERIKA)_ No, you're not.

KITSUNE: And a lark was singing in the trees and you said you'd remember that moment forever because the larks song reminded you of my name?

KAONASHI: N—waaaaaaaaaaaait . . . Yes, Larken, yes! Ha! I got it! Score!

JEREMY: _(offstage) _All I can hear is Kaonashi yelling! What the hell are you two doing on there? Sexing?

KAONASHI: What would make you say a stupid thing like that?

JEREMY: The way you screamed, "Yes, Larken, yes!"

KITSUNE: It's because he's having trouble with his lines! Stop being so perverted!

KAONASHI: Hey, Kitsune, what's all the questions supposed to mean, anyway?

KITSUNE: We sexed on a hill after a picnic after you got turned on by a lark that reminded you of me.

KAONASHI: Ah. Ew. That makes it sound so wierd.

KITSUNE: I know! Doesn't it? Anyway . . . _(continues from where they left off)_ And then we watched the sun go down?

KAONASHI: Yes!

KITSUNE: Well. _(Pauses, takes a deep breath, then speaks)_ I'm going to have a baby. _(KAONASHI is stunned.)_ So, you see, a princess for Dauntless _must_ be found . . . and soon or I shall have to go away somewhere.

KAONASHI: _(clears his throat)_ Uh . . . uhrm . . .

KITSUNE: _(suddenly frightened)_ Oh, darling . . . I'm so worried! This could ruin you and you'd never be Prime Minister or anything!

KAONASHI: _(another sly look)_ Don't you mean "Prince Minister?" _(chuckle)_

KITSUNE: Oh, shut up, would you? Say the word, _Harry_ _(KAONASHI stops laughing and glares)_, and I'll go now. I'll go far away where they'll never find me! _(KAONASHI hesitates)_ Just say the word!

KAONASHI: _(bravely)_ No! You'll stay here! Why should we both suffer all our lives just because _you_ had a moment of weakness?

KITSUNE: _(ecstatically)_ Oh, Harry! _(She throws herself into his arms. Music in. She pauses, rethinking his response)_ Hey, wait a minute!

KAONASHI: We're none of us perfect! Everything's going to be all right.

KITSUNE: Thank you, Harry!

**Music #4: In A Little While**

KAONASHI:IT WON'T BE LONG, IT WON'T BE LONG,

IT WON'T BECAUSE IT CAN'T BE LONG

BEFORE OUT DREAMS COME TRUE.

BECAUSE YOU KNOW I DON'T BELONG,

AND FURTHERMORE I SHAN'T BELONG TO ANYONE

BUT YOU

KITSUNE:IN A LITTLE WHILE,

JUST A LITTLE WHILE

YOU AND I WILL BE ONE,

TWO, THREE, FOUR.

IN A LITTLE WHILE

I WILL SEE YOUR SMILE

ON THE FACE OF MY SON.

TO BE FOR —

EVER HAND IN GLOVE

IS THE WAY I HAVE IT PLANNED,

BUT I'LL ONLY STAY IN LOVE

IF THE GLOVE CONTAINS YOUR HAND.

IN A VELVET GOWN

I'LL BE COMING DOWN THE AISLE —

AND IT'S BOUND TO SEEM AS THOUGH THE

WAITING'S ONLY BEEN A LITTLE,

IN A LITTLE WHILE.

KAONASHI: Have you any idea how soon, my love?

KITSUNE: _(counts on her fingers)_ November. And don't ask me how I got November out of four fingers.

KAONASHI: November?

KITSUNE:MY TIME IS AT A PREMIUM,

FOR SOON THE WORLD WILL SEE ME A MATERNAL

BRIDE-TO-BE.

I KNOW I MUSN'T WORRY, HARRY.

STILL I WISH YOU'D HURRY, HARRY.

HARRY, MARRY ME!

KAONASHI: IN A LITTLE WHILE,

JUST A LITTLE WHILE,

YOU AND I WILL BE ONE,

TWO, THREE, FOUR.

IN A LITTLE WHILE

I WILL SEE YOUR SMILE

ON THE FACE OF MY SON.

TO BE FOR —

KITSUNE:EVER HAND IN GLOVE

KAONASHI:IS THE WAY I HAVE IT PLANNED,

KITSUNE:BUT I'LL ONLY STAY IN LOVE

KAONASHI:IN THE GLOVE CONTAINS YOUR HAND.

BOTH:I CAN SEE IT ALL

DOWN TO EVERY SMALL DETAIL —

SO I WISH YOU'D LOOK AROUND

UNTIL YOU'VE FOUND

A CASTLE IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD FOR SALE.

_(They exit DOWN LEFT)_

_(The curtains close as Scene 1 of Act 1 ends)_

**Kitsune: So, what'd you think?**

**Jeremy: That was so cool! And I thought it was funny! Ha, you're a pregnant woman!**

**Kitsune: Whoever said I **_**wasn't**_**? -smirks and hugs Kaonashi around the waist-**

**Jeremy: -jaw drops-**

**Kaonashi: -surprised but delighted-**

**Kitsune: Just kidding!**

**Jeremy: Phew! -relieved-**

**Kaonashi: -pouts-**

**Kitsune: Sorry, Kao. Please review! We don't own anything!**


	2. Act 1 Scene 2

**Kitsune: Hee hee! I finished the first chapter and then started on this one! I felt so giddy, I had to!**

**Jeremy: Y'mean we don't get a break?**

**Kitsune: Anyway! I calculated the outcome of how many chapters this whole thing will have!**

**All: (Lean in)**

**Kitsune: There are two acts and each act has 9 scenes, so if each scene is a chapter, we'll have 18 chapters, plus a bonus one I thought of!**

**All: Ooooooooh!**

**Kitsune: So, please review so we can get this whole thing up before I might have to give back my script! (screech) No, they can't make me!**

**Jeremy: We don't own anything! The characters are quite OOC.**

**Reviews:**

**To Lena, what's SLV? I (Kitsune) live in NJ, and my school was putting on a play (which is done now, mind you). Now, how might you know me? Thanks for reviewing, though.**

**Once Upon A Mattress**

_Cast_

_Princess Winnifred . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Chihiro_

_Prince Dauntless . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Haku_

_Queen Aggravain . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Yubaba_

_King Sextimus . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Moron_

_Minstrel . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Jeremy_

_Wizard . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . the Foreman_

_Jester . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Kamaji_

_Sir Harry . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Kaonashi_

_Lady Larkin . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Kitsune_

_Lady Rowena/Wench . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Natalie_

_Lady Merrill . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Erika_

_Lady Lucille . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Lin_

_Lady H . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Yuna #1_

_Lady R . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Yuna #2_

_Luce's Lady . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Yuna #3_

_Mabelle . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Yuna #4_

_Beatrice . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Yuko_

_Harold . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Akio_

_Sir Studley . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Jack_

_Luce . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . David_

_Princess . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Yuna #5_

_Lady #1 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Yuna #6_

_Lady #2 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Yuna #7_

_Lady #3 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Yuna #8_

_Knight #1 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Frog #3_

_Knight #2 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Frog #4_

_Knight #3 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Frog #5_

**Act One**

**Scene 2**

_(Scene: in one. A castle corridor. QUEEN/YUBABA and DAUNTLESS/HAKU enter, he tagging behind her at some distance.)_

QUEEN/YUBABA: Come along darling, don't dawdle. _(Stops and observes him shuffling along)_ Haku, pick up your feet for heaven's sake and don't squint! I told you not to look at the sun.

DAUNTLESS/HAKU: _(adjusting)_ Yes, Mama.

YUBABA: That's better. _(hugs him. KING/MORON runs on chasing WENCH/NATALIE)_ SEXTIMUS! _(cast snickers; while YUBABA's back is turned, MORON is behind her and mimes "monster", then plays innocent when YUBABA turns around to look at him. HAKU chuckles)_ If I've told you once, I've told you a hundred thousand times, I will not have you playing these foolish games and running around in the halls. It just isn't dignified. We are the rulers of the kingdom and if we don't set a proper example for the rest of the court, I'd like to know who will. I mean what is the point of being a ruler if one isn't going to behave as a ruler should. _(MORON exits DOWN LEFT, in pantomime mimicking her. The KING/MORON never speaks aloud, but makes what's on his mind very clear by acting it out)_

HAKU: Mama . . .

YUBABA: _(stopping)_ Now what?

HAKU: Mama, when am I going to meet my Princess?

YUBABA: Haku, I don't want to discuss that now. It's time for your cocoa.

HAKU: But Mama, sometimes I get the funniest feeling that you don't want me to get married.

YUBABA: Don't _want_ you to get married? Don't _want_ you to get married? Haku — don't you trust me?

HAKU: No.

YUBABA: That's not your line!

HAKU: _(grudgedly) _I still don't trust you. _(continues)_ Of course, Mama, but . . .

YUBABA: Well, then how can you say such a thing? _(The Mamalogue: spoken as rapidly as possible to do without sacrificing clarity)_ I _want_ you to get married! How many times have I said to you, "I want you to get married?" Only this morning, I was saying to your father, I said, "Sextimus, I want that boy to get married. It just isn't normal for a boy that age to stay single! And after all, he is a Princess," I said— _(the rest of the cast bursts out laughing)_

KITSUNE: _(offstage)_ Wow, Haku, are you contemplating a sex change?

HAKU: _(laughing too hard to notice KITSUNE) _D-d-do it over! _(laughing like a maniac, he is hunched over, clutching his stomach)_

YUBABA: _(flipping through the script)_ From where?

KITSUNE: Try from "Only this morning."

YUBABA: Only this morning, I was saying to your father, I said, "Sextimus, I want that boy to get married. It just isn't normal for a boy that age to stay single! And after all, he is a Prince," I said, "Don't forget that. He's next in line to the throne. I mean we're exactly the oldest people in the world —

KITSUNE: _(coughs)_

YUBABA: Shut up, 5000.

KITSUNE: _(glares)_

YUBABA: _(continues)_ — but on the other hand we're not going to live forever, and I just know that I'd feel much better, much easier and more relaxed in my mind if that boy were married, and settled and set!" And that is absolutely verbatim, _exactly_ what I said to your father this morning. Of course, he didn't say anything. He never does. But you know him just as well as I do; I don't have to tell you how impossible he is. But that's my cross of pain; and I don't want you to worry your head one tiny bit about the fact that your father and I don't get along, and never have. If he makes me miserable, and makes me suffer, I just have to put up with it, and I will not allow it to affect my child's attitude toward him or me. He may be a mean, stupid, dreadful, selfish, rotten man, but he is your father and I want you to respect him. There is only one person who really cares about you and really worries about your health and your happiness and your future and that's what I'm talking about right now; your future, and I want to make myself absolutely clear; I _want_ you to get married _but_ I don't want you to marry just _anybody_. After all, marriage is a lifetime partnership and I wouldn't want to see my little boymake the same mistake I did and wind up miserable the way I did. You _are_ a prince and you must marry someone suitable, someone who's good enough and smart enough, and fine enough for my good, nice, sweet, beautiful baby boy. And of course she has to be a princess. I mean a _real_ princess. That's one thing I absolutely insist upon. She has to be a real, genuine, bonafide princes just as I was. That's what you really want, isn't it? Someone like me? Of course you do! Oh, God! If I were only twenty years younger—

HAKU: That still won't be enough. _(snickers)_

YUBABA: Just remember this — you _must trust me_ . . . _(LARKEN/KITSUNE and HARRY/KAONASHI enter DOWN LEFT)_

LARKEN/KITSUNE: _(curtsying)_ Your Majesty . . . Your Highness.

HAKU: _(He admires KAONASHI)_ Hello, Kaonashi!

YUBABA: _(To HAKU) _Don't interrupt! _(To KITSUNE) _Well?

KITSUNE: Sir Kaonashi wishes to speak to you, Madame.

KAONASHI: I thought you said we had to be Larken and Harry?

KITSUNE: Well, since Yubaba isn't gonna follow the rules, we might as well not, either.

KAONASHI: HOORAY!

HAKU: Hey, that's my line! And I'm not even there yet!

YUBABA: _(To KAONASHI)_ Well?

KAONASHI: Oh. Madame, I have the honour to request a Perilous Labor. I wish to search for a true princess, a princess of the Royal Blood: one who will suit both Your Majesty and Prince Haku.

YUBABA: No!

HAKU: Mama!

YUBABA: No, no, no! We've been through all the eligible girls in all the neighboring kingdoms. There are none left. We simply have to wait until their little sisters grow up, and that'll take years.

KAONASHI: But Madame, I plan to head North, over the mountains. _(to KITSUNE) _I am?

YUBABA: Over the mountains?

KAONASHI: . . . across the Badlands. _(to KITSUNE) BAD_lands?

YUBABA: Across the Badlands?

KAONASHI: . . . and into the marsh land where the beautiful Swamp Lily grows.

YUBABA: Into the marsh land? Are you out of your mind?

KAONASHI: Almost.

HAKU: _(excitedly) _Let him go, Mama, let him go!

YUBABA: You won't find anything there, but frogs and tadpoles and things.

HAKU: Mama!

YUBABA: Do you know what the weather there is like?

HAKU: Mama, please!

YUBABA: Do you know how damp and foggy and . . .

HAKU: _(pleading)_ Mama!

YUBABA: _(pushes HAKU out of the way)_ Quiet! . . . and humid and oppressive . . .

HAKU: _(pleading)_ Mama . . . let Sir Kaonashi _try!_ Please. For me, Mama? Please!

YUBABA: _(stops, looks at HAKU, then at KAONASHI)_ All right, go ahead. It's your sinus.

HAKU: _(jumping up and down)_ Hooray!

YUBABA: _(KITSUNE and KAONASHI bow and curtsy as YUBABA sweeps out)_ Come along, Haku, you've missed your cocoa.

HAKU: Good luck, Kaonashi! Good luck! _(He runs off happily)_

KAONASHI: _(takes KITSUNE in his arms)_ Don't be afraid, little Kitsune. I'll bring back a princess who is not only a real princess, but one who will be able to pass the Queen's test.

KITSUNE: I believe you! I'm not afraid.

KAONASHI:And I shan't be away long.

KITSUNE: Only fly as fast as you can, my love! We shall be waiting for you.

KAONASHI: We?

KITSUNE: _(blushingly)_ You know. _(tries to detatch a ribbon from her sleeve. It will not come off.)_ Stupid ribbon. Here! _(She cuts off a lock of her hair)_ And wear this . . . somewhere . . .

KAONASHI: Next to my heart! _(takes it to secretly obssess over and put in a shrine)_

**Music #5: In A Little While (Reprise)**

KITSUNE:IN A LITTLE WHILE,

JUST A LITTLE WHILE,

YOU AND I WILL BE ONE,

TWO, THREE, FOUR.

KAONASHI:IN A LITTLE WHILE,

I WILL SEE YOUR SMILE

ON THE FACE OF MY SON.

TO BE FOR —

EVER HAND IN GLOVE

IS THE WAY I HAVE IT PLANNED.

BUT I'LL ONLY STAY IN LOVE

IF THE GLOVE CONTAINS YOUR HAND.

BOTH:IN A VELVET GOWN

I'LL (YOU'LL) BE COMING DOWN THE AISLE

AND IT'S BOUND TO SEEM AS THO'

THE WAITING'S ONLY BEEN A LITTLE,

IN A LITTLE WHILE.

_(They exit DOWN RIGHT)_

**Kitsune: It was shorter, but that's okay! I like the Mamalogue . . . Heh.**

**Kaonashi: And I love you! (hug from behind)**

**Jeremy: Behave, you two.**

**Kaonashi: (growls and kicks him)**

**Jeremy: Hey!**

**Kitsune: Please review! We'll start working on the next scene!**


End file.
